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Oops !
Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already.   At two o'clock, last round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.   After the final beer, he ... slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor.  

This was not what he had expected.   He knew he had had some, but... He tries to get up but again he falls.   After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.   At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife.   So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without his wife's awakening.  

The next morning his wife asks him furiously.   "Were you drunk again last night!"   Danny boy is surprised and asks her how she knew.   "They just called from the bar, you left without your wheelchair again."
"contributer anonoymous"

Q.Why are men like parking spaces?

A. All the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicap.
"contributed by Mike"

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.  The first has no arms.  The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.  They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.  The head sinks straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.  He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freaking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some a**hole puts a swimming cap on me!!!!!"
"contributer anonoymous"

New Guy
A guy walks into a pub and sits down on one of the stools at the end of the bar.  One of the "regulars" walks in and asks the bartender who the new guy is.  The bar keep replies that he doesn't know, but that he is quiet and seems nice.  The "regular" decides to be nice and buys the guy a beer. 

Another "regular" walks in and he asks the bartender who the new guy is.  The bar keep again says that he doesn't know, but that he is quiet and seems nice.  The second "regular" decides to be nice and buys the guy a beer. 

A third "regular" walks in and he asks the bartender who the new guy is.  The bar keep again says that he doesn't know, but that he is quiet and seems nice.  This guy buys him a beer too. 

When he finishes the three beers, the man gets up and approaches the three men.

"I am Jesus" he says, "and I want to thank you for your kindness."  He approches the first man and touches him on the head.  

"WOW!", he replies, "I have had a headache for 15 years and now its gone!"  

He walks up to the second man and touches him on the elbow.  
"WOW!" he says, "I have had terrible arthritis for years and now the pain is gone!" 

As he approaches the third man the guy jumps back and says. 
"Don't touch me!  I'm out on disability!"
"contributer anonoymous"

Sign Language
There was an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman who were each to give a speech at a deaf and dumb convention.

The Englishman goes up to the podium wondering how to start his speech.  Facing the audience he grabs his chest in both hands rubbing vigorously, then grabs his crotch.

The Scotsman is next.  "Och, whut wuz tha' abut?" he asks the Englishman.

"Well" says he "It meant Ladies and Gentlemen".

"Right" thinks the Scotsman, "I'll go one better".  He makes a hand signal indicating antlers, then repeats the englishmans introduction.

The Irishman asks him, "Eh laddy, what's ye hand on ye noggin mean"?

The Scotsman replied "It meant Dear (Deer) Ladies and Gentlemen".

The Irishman repeats the Scotsmans introduction, but then starts wanking (jacking off) furiously.  After he's finished the Englishman and Scotsman ask him what the Hell he was doing.

The Irishman replied "Dear Ladies and Gentlemen... IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE!"
"contributer anonoymous"

The Deaf Bar
A guy walked into the bar one night and casually started a conversation with the bartender.

He looked around and saw a couple of people sitting at a table, silently moving their hands and fingers around.

"What're they doing," he asked the bartender.

"Oh, they're deaf and using sign language to communicate.

All of a sudden the deaf people started waving their arms wildly in the air.

The bartender jumped over the bar, grabbed them by the arms and threw them out. When he got back behind the bar, the customer asked, "What did you do that for?"

The bartender said "They know there's no singing in here".
"contributer anonoymous"

Q: What did the blind fella say when he passed by the fish store?

A: "Mornin Lady's"
"contributer anonoymous"

Shake it up baby!
A 98 year old man and 98 year old woman struck up a relationship in a nursing home.

She would hold his penis each night while they watched TV in her room until it was time for him to return to his room.

It wasn't much but it was all they had.

One night he failed to show up.

When he failed to show up the second night she assumed he had died.

Later she saw him in the sitting area.  "Where were you the last two nights?" she asked.

"I was with another woman." he replied.

"You found someone younger and prettier than I am?" she said.

"No, he replied, She is 98 and looks the same.

"Then what does she have that I don't ?" the old woman asked.

He smiled as he answered....."Parkinson's"!    :-)
"contributer anonoymous"

Benefits of Medicare?
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
"contributer anonoymous"

I know .. I know but that's all I have for now. If ya hear a good zinger send it to me. If it's any good (or not) I'll add it. Why not go HOME and check out the cool links.

Last update: June 15, 1999

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